Friday, February 1, 2013

"A handful of patience..."

In some of my very first posts, I think I hammered it home pretty hard that I am addicted to planning.  I love just planning out my day, my grocery list for the week, my weekend, my chore schedule, my personal time.  It's like I need to do it.  I've gotten A LOT better about not planning as many things over the years.  Ask any of my friends.  Some might wonder, what's wrong with being a planner?  It's good to have some structure and some idea of what you're going to do with the next day, month or year of your time here on Earth. I wholeheartedly agree.  But speaking from experience, there is a such thing as going off the deep end and developing chronic planner syndrome. 

How do you know if you have chronic planner syndrome? A good indication would be if you burst into tears when your friends show up late to catch the bus to New York for a spring break trip (which you planned, of course).  They were late, so yeah you have a right to be mad. But calm down, there was a bus leaving right after that one. 

Spontaneity has its place in our world.  I know this now.  But I am a recovering planning addict and I have to take things one day at a time.  It's been quite difficult for me, believe it or not, to refrain from...PLANNING MY TRANSPLANT! Yes! Can you believe that?  I know right! Planning a transplant? Who does that? Well, I've been trying not. But it's pretty hard to not stare at my calendar and say "You know what? That week would be a good day for me to have my transplant because then I can meet with the venue to go over the catering menu one last time and then arrange to have my hair trial right before it's time for me to leave for..." And it just goes on and on and on.  Sad, I know.  25-years-old and I'm still learning: I cannot control everything.  Things will happen when they're supposed to happen.

I have to remind myself to refrain from getting frustrated with my sister, my amazing sister who has graciously volunteered to test as a potential donor.  I have to remember that it's not her fault that nobody answered when she called to schedule her appointment.  I have to remind myself that it's OK that she didn't give the appointment coordinator three specifically different dates for when she could do her tests. I have have to remind myself that it's not a big deal that the message she left was 0.7 seconds shorter than the voice mail I would have normally left.  Every, single, day I have to do this.  And it doesn't stop there!  It's sad and I know I need to change if I'm going to stay sane until June. But seriously, if I don't have my new kidney by June I'm going to...just kiiiddding!!  See, I have to check myself every now and then.

Last fall, I participated in a Bible study at my church on the fruits of the spirit. One that I should probably digest more of over the next few months: patience.   I need to partake of a neverending buffet of patience so that I may wait gracefully, trusting and believing that God will make a way, that everything will be OK once I'm on the other side of this mountain of a health struggle.  Sometimes it's good to cry and scream, "UGH, I just want this to be overrrrr! Gaaawwwwd!"  But I'm actually getting better at being a grown-up, and telling myself, "Calm down. We'll be there soon. Now take your iron pill and go watch T.V." 

I do wonder though, will my kidneys wait?  Will they wait for the doctors to finish all their tests, and clear their schedules?  I really need my kidneys to just hold on, just for a few more weeks.  Dialysis is not what I'm trying to do right now.  But really, neither is this situation. 

To remind myself that THINGS ARE HAPPENING, I am officially listed now.  What does that mean?  It means that when it's time for me to get my transplant, my insurance company will pay the other $128,000 of the $140,000 procedure.  Isn't that nice of them?  And it also means that if a deceased kidney comes in (meaning a kidney from a donor who has just died), I could get that too.  So yeah, stuff's happening. 

One of my favorite songs on "Patience" is from Dreamgirls, the musical.  Needing the reminder more than ever now.  Happy Weekend :)