Sunday, March 10, 2013

The New Dealio

Last week, we got the news:  Jocelyn will not be donating her kidney to me at this time. So now I'm back at square one, without a donor, and without a new kidney.  And we were pretty sad about it, but I'm happy to say that I've officially...moved on!  Yep!  In fact, for the first time in months, I feel FREE.  I didn't know it, but waiting for a kidney transplant actually put me in the mindset of...waiting for a kidney transplant...if that makes any sense!  I kind of adopted the attitude of "when I get my kidney transplant...I'll do this" or "after I have my transplant, I'll do this!"  Well, sure that worked fine when I thought my transplant was going to be in like two weeks.

When I received the news about my sister, I thought, what am I going to do now.   How much longer do I have to wait?  Is it ever going to happen?  What about my plans?! MY PLAAANS!  Then it dawned on me.  Instead of waiting for my new post-transplant life to begin, I need to just move on with my current, "sick person life", and really...actually...this time, try to make the very best of it.  Once I realized this, it was like a door opened.  Two doors, actually, that's what I envisioned.  They opened and there was light!  A big bright light! And I walked through those doors and into that light and I flew. I was free!  Is it possible?  Is it possible to just do this "sick person life" forever? Maybe I don't even need a transplant!  And that's when I made yet another plan (of course) to...move on!   Here, I'll break down the plan.

First, I'm going to throw myself into wedding planning.  We're less than 100 days away now, and despite a few issues here and there, I'm actually CRAZY excited.  I think about the wedding every day now, and not with panic about appointments or projects, but with joy. I get a sugar rush every time I think about walking down the aisle to Ben. Eeeeee!  I all of a sudden feel more motivated to hand address those invitations that are supposed to be sent out on the 15th.  

Second, and this isn't set in stone, but I'm going to start dialysis as soon as possible.  This is my life now. My kidneys just can't take it anymore and I need to get acclimated with the process.  I've been doing a lot of research to find out what it's like to live life on dialysis.  This could be where "naive Jewel" takes over, but it doesn't sound like it's ALL bad.  Definitely highly inconvenient, and expensive but it's doable.  People do it for years before ever getting a transplant. And a positive (even though I thought we were done with that), I might even feel better!  And, I can still live a full life.  Which leads me to the final part of the plan.

Ben and I are still going to go to Greece.  I'm going to check with my doctor to see what he thinks about traveling.  And regardless of what he's saying, I'm going.  But something tells me he'll be OK with it.  They have dialysis centers all of the world and even in Santorini!  And I've read articles from people who have traveled with dialysis.  You just have to make preparations in advance.  And we all know how much I LOVE that.  :) 

I think I'm happier now than I was a year ago.  I almost don't even CARE about getting a new kidney.  HA!   I'm still hoping for a miracle, because Ben says I have to or else I should just kill myself.  But there's also a comfort in feeling that maybe God doesn't want me to have my new kidney right now, at this moment.  I know He doesn't want me to suffer; He wants me to prosper.  But maybe for me, the time is not right.  Maybe I'm not ready.  I don't know...but I have to believe that He wants the best for me.   I think I'm just supposed to be here in this place right now. 

Anyways, I found this great prayer on this devotional website.  I hope this helps someone today as it's helped me:

"Dear God, Thank you for being with me through my suffering. This present suffering does not compare to the future Glory that you have for us. Keep my eyes on the prize so that I can hold on to the hope that I have for a better tomorrow. Use me today to help somebody who might be suffering to encourage them that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. I rejoice that you trust me with trouble because as a result I’m stronger, wiser, so much better. Without you God, I never would have made it. In Jesus Name, Amen"

Real talk.  Can't wait to be "stronger, wiser, and so much better."