Wednesday, October 9, 2013

What Living Means

I have so much to be thankful for. And today I can say that I understand why I went through what I did from January until July.  I understand what it was all for…you know…the kidney failure.  But at the same time, I feel like I missed out on so much.  

Say you have a cold.  You feel like crap 100 percent of the day.  You can’t breathe, you can’t eat because your throat is on fire.  You can’t think because the congestion has made its way to your brain and is stifling your ability to focus on any task or any conversation or even the fact that the cat has nipped at your calf 15 times trying to get you to feed him.  And yes, I’m able to describe this the way I am because I’m actually enduring “the cold that just won’t end” right now.  I feel like I’m going deaf there is so much pressure in my sinuses.  

But anyhoo, you have a cold. And you feel like crap.   When you feel like that, it’s really difficult to muster up the energy to go to the mall.  Or go drinking.  Or go hang out with some cool people doing really cool things.  Or go to church.  Or plant herbs.  Or go hiking.  Or bake a pie.  Or travel.  Or decorate the apartment. The only thing that really feels right is spending time with family, because they are the ones who will always forgive you if you’re not “ON,” as Ben and I say.  “ON” meaning, engaged, interesting, laughing at the right times, responding with the right little quip, being the exciting version of yourself that thoroughly enjoys keeping company and living life.  

I didn’t feel ON for about seven months.  Which resulted in me being turned OFF to a lot of things. 
Now, with a fixed blood filtering system and a clean bill of health, it’s like a light switch has been flipped in my life.  It’s kind of like I’ve been given permission to rejoin the world.  To participate in what everyone else is doing.  And…I actually want to.  When I was sick, I didn’t always want to.  It hurt sometimes to be around people whose only care in the world was what they were going to do over the weekend.  My care was what am I going to do about the rest of my life...however long that is.  Ugh, I guess was so dramatic then.  But that’s just how I felt.  And retroactively, I’m giving my past self permission to do that.

I’ve fully thrown myself back into living again.  Making up for lost time? I’m not really sure about that. I guess I’m just taking advantage of what I’ve been given, trying to ignore the ticking clock that makes me second-guess how long things will be perfect like this.  When I was sick, I didn’t have time for anything else. And now that I’m healthy…it seems like I don’t have time to worry about getting sick again.  It takes minutes away from me figuring out what I’m going to do over the weekend.