Tuesday, August 25, 2015

They Don't Talk About the First Trimester-- Part One

Because I'm a writer, one of the first things I did after finding out I was pregnant was start a a little pregnancy diary.  Once a week or when the mood struck me I would write down what I was thinking and feeling about the pregnancy and the changes that were happening.  And, with all writing, even this blog, it's so fascinating to go back and read what you wrote a year ago, a week ago or even a month ago.  I've found in my own writing that it really is a testament to how quickly your circumstances can go from good to bad and then back to good again in just a day's time. 

If I could describe my first trimester diary in one work, it would probably be unbalanced. Either because of hormones or just the natural reaction to being pregnant, I was constantly oscillating between immense fear and happy excitement.  I think that what made matters worse was the fact that I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody about it.  Even most of the other bloggers who I read daily who've had children never talked about their first trimester.  The practice seems to be that you don't tell everyone about your pregnancy until you're more confident that the baby is going to survive. And that confidence, doesn't come for most medical professionals until the first trimester is over.  It's a sad, but true reality.  

I can't tell you how helpful and therapeutic it would have been to have some source of real-life, first-hand experience to go to when I wasn't glued to the online version of "What to Expect."  Because I want to fill what seems to be a void in that area, I'll be posting from my real and raw first trimester diary in one to three parts on this blog.  So if you're in your first weeks of pregnancy, tender boobs, excitement, peeing a lot, but also freaking out about everything...don't worry.   I was there too.  

June 17:
According to two different calculators, I’m either four weeks or five weeks pregnant as of today.

Right now, LF1-6-2-15, the name of our baby, is about the size of either a poppy seed or a grain of rice.  And I feel like the size of a very large water balloon.  I am currently very bloated.  It feels like I’ve just eaten or drank a liter of soda...all the time.  They say that exercising and eating smaller portions help.  The jury is still out on that one.  I know I’m not supposed to have a “baby bump” right now. But I have one.  It’s...strange.  Either I’m experiencing pregnancy bloat, I have a “baby bump” or I’m just FAT.   I’m not sure which one it is yet.

My boobs are kind of tender all the time now.  I’ve always had a pretty decent size RACK, but now it’s like they’ve decided to get bigger.  They used to be uneven, with the left boob slightly smaller than the other. Now it seems like that boob has grown and joined the right boob in this adventure of “Let’s see how much bigger we can get.”  

I’m tired during the day most of the time.  I don’t know if it’s that “pregnancy fatigue” or the fact that I eliminated my two cups of Gunpowder Green tea from my diet.  Gunpowder Green tea has 2 to 4 percent of caffeine in it.  I eliminated that because I read somewhere that I should cut out caffeine, smoking and drinking while pregnant.  So I cut out my green tea.  I can probably still drink it because, after all, it’s just green tea.  But what’s the fun in that? I need to be able to complain about something.

June 26:

So this past week has been a pretty tumultuous week for me in pregnancy.  

Starting with last Friday, my bloating seemed to have subsided.  Then one day I ended up eating too much and then getting a really terrible case of indigestion.  Anyway, the bloat returned and so did the fullness and subtle pain at the top of my abdomen.  This pain rendered me incapable of doing much for the rest of the day, and even when I got home, I could only lay down. I knew that I had to "go to the bathroom." 

Eventually, near midnight, I finally “went” and it was terrible.  So I won’t explain any further.  But I did feel better. But then that was the day that I saw some spotting.  I didn’t see it again until Sunday.  And it’s been happening every day since.

I’ve also cried just about every day since.

I wish I could say it was hormones, but I doubt it is.  I am scared and worried to to death about the health and life of this...lentil seed. Because that’s how big it is.  It never really occurred to me until about a year ago that women could get pregnant, be pregnant and then, in the blink of an eye, not be pregnant.  I can list off a number of people, one of whom I know personally, along with my pastor’s wife, who’ve had miscarriages.  

Once the bleeding started, I went to that ever present frenemy:  the internet.  Half of the internet says everything is fine, half of the internet says I’m having a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy or a list of other horrible things.  I called my doctor’s office and they weren’t any more helpful.

“It’s probably nothing….but I can’t guarantee that it’s nothing.  It sounds like nothing. But even if it was something...there’s not a whole lot we can do about it.”  That was the response I got from my OB.  It’s also too early for me to go in for an appointment because it’s too early in my pregnancy for anything to show up during an ultrasound.  

I’ve had terrible thoughts about going to the doctor on my 8-week appointment and having them say, “Yeah...there’s nothing there.”  I know, that’s terrible. But it’s the truth about how I feel.

OK so...here’s hoping and praying that next Thursday/Friday, I’ll have a fun, good update for you.

Stay Tuned for Part 2!