Tuesday, September 8, 2015

They Don't Talk About the First Trimester-- Part Three

Welcome back everyone to the final installment of my first trimester diary.  Just to recap:

--Here you can read my reasons for keeping and posting my diary on the internet, along with the first installment;
--Here is the second installment.

And we've reached the end!  Let's catch up with me as I finished my eighth week of pregnancy:

*   *   *

July 13:

Week 8 has not been a good week.  I’m kind of over not feeling like my normal self.  I have zero energy, and zero motivation to be productive or do anything.  And then now, I’ve been letting myself throw these “pity parties” for one.  I’m scared and worried a lot and wonder often whether this is as good as it gets.  Like, is it all downhill from here?  Does the pregnancy just get harder and harder, and my health just get worse and worse?  And now I’m figuring, if I don’t get too attached to the idea that I’ll have my kidney at the end of this, then I won’t be disappointed if I don’t.  

So yeah, this hasn’t been a great week.  

July 23:
“A new baby is like the beginning of all things--wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.”  Eda Le Shan

Before becoming pregnant, I naively thought that most of my trials and tests were behind me.  I had no idea what a huge exercise in faith being pregnant would prove to be. I always thought that going through kidney failure would be my big “Look at how strong I am now.  Look at how strong MY FAITH is now” moment.  But I think I’ve questioned, doubted, wondered, cried and been just a big mess about my faith moreso than when my organs decided to fail.  I never thought I would have such a dilemma and so many problems trusting God.

This verse, I cling to:
Psalm 139
You created every part of me;
   you put me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because you are to be feared;
   all you do is strange and wonderful.
   I know it with all my heart.
15 When my bones were being formed,
   carefully put together in my mother's womb,
when I was growing there in secret,
   you knew that I was there—
16     you saw me before I was born.
The days allotted to me
   had all been recorded in your book,
   before any of them ever began.

_ _ _ _
So last week, just as I was complaining about how sucky it was to be pregnant, suddenly, I felt better!  I wrote my 8 week post on a Monday and it seemed like by that Wednesday I was feeling much much better.  And of course, anytime something good happens to me, I somehow allow Satan to take that as an opportunity to remind me of the roller coaster ride that is life.  How we all go up, then I guess, at some point, we all go down.

I was worried that maybe my sudden lack of feeling like crap was because I wasn’t pregnant anymore.  That’s what happens.  

But you know what, I’m learning to turn it around and think, maybe I’m just #BLESSED. And God is giving me an easy pregnancy.  This is all part of his plan.   I had kidney failure and an organ transplant and now I’m having the happiest easiest pregnancy ever?  

OR maybe, I’m having a boy.  I’ve read that women who don’t have that many symptoms end up having boys.  

Some symptoms I’ve had this week:
Just mild fatigue. Nothing crazy.
I did vomit the other day though!  

* * *
And that's it! That was most of my first trimester. And it was definitely a rollercoaster. Especially since, one week after this post was written I came down with appendicitis and had to have SURGERY, right at 11 weeks pregnant. Of course...I'll get to that in another post.

But my story is just my story. Somewhere out there, another woman is having the best first trimester ever without a worry, a care or a concern. Bless her heart. I just hope that sharing the details of my experience is useful for someone, anyone, who might be like me. Someone who is deeply emotional, who at times let's her emotions run her. Maybe someone who is wondering if they're having the right amount of nausea. I barely had any nausea. That's normal. Maybe even someone who is worried about having a miscarriage. I felt so much shame that I even entertained that idea. But it came up! And I think it's normal. Apparently they're fairly common, so why wouldn't the thought cross your mind, especially if you know someone who has been there.

Whoever you are, thanks for reading.